I'm fascinated by the vast amount of things I do not yet know. I have always been the kind of person who wishes to understand the "who", the "what", the "where", "when" and "why" of every situation, even with the smallest things. I spend hours upon hours in thought of the things I can't comprehend, and the grandness of the world we call our home. Only just this afternoon, I was spending time with one of my housemates and we drew on a conversation of curiosity so long that by the end of it we were researching strange facts about lions. Like I said earlier -- the smallest and strangest of things.
Much like dearest Alice from Wonderland, I follow the idea of a great unsearchable, a wonderland undiscovered and unknown to any. A place of cycled understanding and renewed ideas and beautiful greatness; all in a world of my own.
"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"
-- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
But often, to my dismay, the fall down the "rabbit hole" of curiosity brings more questions and curiosities than it does answers.
"Who am I, truly?"
"What did I do to get myself in this situation?"
"Where are I meant to go?"
"When will my breakthrough happen?"
"Why am I feeling so hurt?"
(P.s. all of these are super real questions I've asked myself through this year, & there's no shame in asking the tough Q's!!)
In my own experience, I know that these questions can be a burden and a weight on your soul. The fear begins to creep in - that you'll never know. That you'll never understand. That your comprehension is limited. And while all of that may be true, that there are many mysteries we may never understand, there is someone who understands. There is someone who brings a sense of clarity and perspective.
Jeremiah 33:3 says...
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great unsearchable things you do not know."
Though I do not understand a large sum of the things I experience, I know that I can rest my mind -- for all is truly known by the one who truly knows me. He is an all-knowing and wise Father who cares enough for you that He desires a personal and real relationship with you! He has created you for more than you could ever imagine in your wonder-filled mind.
To truly seek the unsearchable, call upon God. His answers will light your path and your life. In my darkest moments I've cried out in anger and hurt to God. Not once has He let me down yet, and I know He never will!
2019 has been a year of quite a lot of grief and loss for me -- not in a sense that many people were lost to this world, but more so to mine. An influx of different changes and development has overcome my life, and has shaped me in strange ways. Roommates have found me crying in different areas of our home more times than I'd like to admit. And a great God who promised me that I would never be alone again had just pulled me away from every single person I loved so dearly; and it hurt like hell. It still does if I'm candid.
Just a few days ago I was angry with God for making 2019 such a terrible year for me and for taking so much. I blamed Him for the hurt, and neglected what He was trying to teach me -- that every loss is a gain within yourself. That the people that move on do so for a reason, that the distance between myself and the people I love will grow my relationship and reliance on God ever more.
When things hurt, and when I don't understand, I know who I can call upon. I take a moment to understand what I feel, I pray that God will give me peace, and that clarity will flood my mind to drown the worries I so easily consume. He is there, and He knows what you feel. He will show you why -- the bigger picture.
Life can actually be so beautiful. Navigating the unsearchable and unknown is an adventure, and like all adventures it can become overbearing and confusing. But when you remember to call upon your guide / map / lamp, you can see more clearly the path marked out ahead of you. And oh goodness it'll be beautiful. That's a promise.
Love you dearly, and I'm praying Jeremiah 33:3 over your 2020. May you seek God in the unsearchable seasons.